Is it really bad to hide your feelings?
The following article comes from Psychology Today and is written by Holly Parker, Ph.D., a professor at Harvard University, where she teaches the psychology of close relationships, and a psychologist in private practice. She earned her doctorate in Experimental Psychopathology from Harvard University, where she was a Karen Stone Fellow and a Sackler Fellow. She completed her residency in Clinical Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. In her clinical practice, Dr. Parker has worked with people on a wide range of issues, including relationships, self-esteem, trauma, mood, anxiety, emotional regulation, health and lifestyle, addictions, grief, and loss.
Key Points
Studies show that people who try to hide their emotions tend to have lower emotional well-being.
There is evidence that the relationship between hiding emotions and lower psychological well-being is not so clear.
People who are authentic and determined to suppress their feelings do not show lower emotional well-being.
Have you ever hidden how you felt inside?
Being human, the answer is very likely «Yes.» No, it’s overwhelmingly likely. The abundance of moments life throws at us doesn’t always allow, or even help, us to reveal how we truly feel.
For example, suppose you’re feeling extremely angry, for whatever reason, before entering the supermarket. Do you feel like frowning at the world at that moment? Probably. Does that mean you’re going to glare angrily at the cashier? Probably not. A smile, a neutral expression, or something with a hint of sadness is more likely to appear. Regardless of the emotion we’re talking about, we’ve all hidden our emotions. This is also known as «expressive suppression.»
Some people show their emotions more than others.
At the same time, as with so many other behaviors, qualities, preferences, and tendencies, some of us mask our emotions more than others, and research shows a relationship between greater expressive suppression and lower emotional well-being. That said, other researchers have found that this relationship isn’t so simple.
Use of Expressive Suppression and Life Satisfaction
In a new study designed to clarify the connection between suppressing emotional expression and lower psychological well-being, researchers asked participants about their use of expressive suppression and their life satisfaction, as well as inquiring about indicators of depression and anxiety.
The research team conducted this study twice: at the beginning of the study and 14 weeks later.
At the beginning, the researchers also measured how authentic people felt—that is, the extent to which a person’s inner world influences their behavior and what they show to others. In addition, the research team measured what is known as «ambivalence about emotional expression (EEA).»
This refers to a feeling of (you know what I mean) ambivalence when it comes to revealing an emotion; there is a tendency to show what one feels and another, conversely, to hide it.
More specifically, the research team analyzed two types of EEA. The first type is «competence ambivalence,» which refers to a person’s insecurity about their ability to reveal their emotions.
The second type is «effect ambivalence,» which involves a person’s concern about what might go wrong if they reveal their emotions.
Researchers found a connection between inhibiting emotional expression and feeling less satisfied with life,
as well as with greater anxiety and depression 14 weeks later. However, this was not the case for people who felt authentic. In other words, those who felt authentic by containing their emotional expression were no more likely to experience lower emotional well-being afterward.
The research team also discovered that those who felt ambivalent and hid their emotions were more likely to struggle with anxiety and feel less satisfied with their lives 14 weeks later. That is, those who repressed their feelings, but did not confront what might go wrong if they expressed them, were no more susceptible to feeling more anxious or enjoying their lives less afterward.
This study highlights the inherent complexity of our relationship with expressing our feelings.
The meaning we give to the decision to show or mask our emotions is relevant. For example, reflecting on their findings and research in this area, the researchers noted that authenticity and concealment of emotions can likely coexist if a person has a reason for hiding their emotions and it doesn’t contradict their individual identity. The researchers gave examples such as trying to foster peace and stability or attempting to resolve an emergency productively.
The researchers rightly pointed out the need to replicate this study in different cultures (it was conducted in the United States), noting the evidence of cultural variation in the relationship between concealing feelings and emotional well-being.
They also noted the need to repeat the study with various groups; the participants were university students. Furthermore, they recommended analyzing how different aspects of relationships might influence the connection between expressive suppression and psychological well-being, such as emotional intimacy, power dynamics, and the type of relationship people have.
That said, what conclusions can we draw from this research?
Perhaps, when we all make the decision to conceal or reveal an emotion, we should pause to reflect at some point and kindly and curiously ask ourselves: What did this mean for me?
When Do Your Secrets Harm Your Well-being?
The following contribution comes from Greater Good Magazine (Science Based Insights for a Meaningful Life) and is authored by Jill Suttie, Psy.D., who was Greater Good’s book review editor and is now a contributing writer and editor for the magazine. She earned her PhD in psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and worked as a psychologist in private practice before joining Greater Good.
A new book explains why we keep secrets and offers helpful advice on whether or not to reveal them.
We all keep secrets, at least occasionally. This is because we all have inner thoughts and feelings that aren’t worth sharing with others or that would harm us or someone else if revealed.
But does keeping secrets affect our well-being? Researcher Michael Slepian, author of the new book «The Secret Life of Secrets,» explores this question in depth and offers some thought-provoking answers. She uses an illustrative example from her own life—discovering as an adult that her father wasn’t actually her biological father—to illustrate how keeping secrets can sometimes cause distress or profoundly affect our relationships. By summarizing her own and others’ research on secrets, she helps readers better understand why people keep secrets, how this affects their well-being, and when it’s best to reveal them.
The Secrets People Keep and Why
According to Slepian, a secret is something about oneself or something one has done that one deliberately withholds from one or more people, distinguishing it from something one simply wishes to keep private.
For example, we might keep secret that we love having the house to ourselves when our partners are out of town—something fairly innocuous, but personal. But we might keep secret that we went to a hookup bar and had a drink with a stranger when they left town last week—something we wouldn’t want them (or possibly anyone else) to know.
Slepian asked hundreds of people about their secrets and created a kind of secret taxonomy
ranging from hurting another person (emotionally or physically) to past drug use, unusual sexual preferences, personal qualifications for a job, and more (34 more categories, to be precise).
He then surveyed more than 50,000 people worldwide to find out where their own secrets fit in and discovered that 97% had at least one secret from the list. Common sources of secrets included lies, romantic desire, infidelity, and finances, while less common ones were sexual orientation, pregnancy, a marriage proposal, and abortion.
“Far from being what sets us apart from one another, secrets are what we have in common,” Slepian writes.
The average number of secrets kept was 13; most people had five secrets they had never told anyone and eight they had confided in at least one person (but intended to keep hidden). While our culture influences whether or not we keep secrets, Slepian says, the nature of our secret is more important in deciding, as is how much we suffer because of it.
One of the main reasons we keep a secret is that we feel ashamed and fear judgment if it comes to light. The more immoral we consider our secrets, the less likely we are to share them. However, shame is a difficult emotion to live with, so sometimes people reveal even their most shameful secrets.
“The more immoral you consider your own secret, the more shame it will produce and the more it will be associated with a greater tendency to think about it repeatedly and feel less able to deal with it,” Slepian writes.
People also keep secrets to avoid conflict and protect their relationships, she says. For example, you might not reveal that you voted for Biden when having Thanksgiving dinner with your conservative family; or you might not tell your partner that you were sexually abused as a child and don’t enjoy sex.
When professional or personal interests are harmed
Another reason to keep secrets is that revealing one could harm our personal or professional goals. After exaggerating the truth on a résumé, we probably wouldn’t confess it to a prospective employer who questioned our qualifications. Similarly, if we have a secret ambition to become poets, we might not want to share it with others, for fear of being belittled or discouraged.
Why reveal a secret? While there’s nothing inherently wrong with having secrets—it largely depends on the secret and what revealing it entails—the harder it is for you to keep, the more likely it is to affect your well-being. If a secret makes you feel a lot of shame or causes you to dwell on negative aspects of yourself, it’s probably a good idea to pay attention and figure out what you can do differently to deal with it. The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-being, Relationships, and Who We Are. Crown, 2022, 256 pages.
On the other hand, people who keep secrets often choose to reflect on them because they want to understand what happened and what they can learn about themselves. Similar to dealing with trauma, expressive journaling can be a good way to explore the experience, gain perspective, and help you move forward emotionally.
But if that doesn’t solve the problem, it might be a good idea to tell someone you trust.
People usually think better of us than we expect, says Slepian, and are more likely to empathize than judge. Plus, a trusted person can offer a helpful outside perspective, whether it’s a close friend, your partner, or a therapist.
“People don’t like being alone with their thoughts, and having a secret can evoke feelings of shame, isolation, and uncertainty,” Slepian writes.
“The more people tend to withdraw into themselves during difficult times, the more likely they are to ruminate, and both of these unhealthy tendencies are associated with secrets causing more harm as people try to cope with them.”
Hide any physical evidence or watch yourself carefully in case you miss something. For example, someone who has decided not to reveal their homosexuality to friends might date people of the opposite sex or conceal their identity in other ways to avoid giving themselves away.
However, the act of hiding isn’t necessarily what causes psychological harm, says Slepian.
Rather, it’s how keeping a secret from others can make you feel isolated and less connected to them. Especially among close friends and romantic partners, being secretive can create emotional distance and also make you feel inauthentic.
«Often, when we keep something from a partner, we think we’re doing it for the good of the relationship, to avoid conflict, or to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings,» she writes. «But while keeping a secret from your partner might prevent any imaginable reaction you expect from them, it has the potential to do more harm than good.»
So, is there a foolproof rule to help us know when to keep a secret and when not to? Not exactly, though Slepian advises revealing secrets that are likely to come out anyway, and the sooner the better. Your reputation could be ruined by a secret, and it might be better to simply disclose it and apologize for past behavior rather than trying to hide it.
Why Keep a Secret?
However, there are situations where it might be better to keep a secret. Slepian offers some guidelines:
Let go of past mistakes. If you did something morally wrong in the past, there’s no need to confess unless not doing so would hurt someone else, such as if you gave false testimony and got someone imprisoned. You can still feel guilty about what you did, no matter what. But it’s better to focus on how you’ve grown since your mistake (the lessons you’ve learned from the experience) and promise not to repeat the same error than to punish yourself for past mistakes.
Look for ways your secret can benefit others. Keeping a secret can actually be an act of kindness toward someone else. So, before revealing a secret, Slepian suggests asking yourself, «What impact would revealing your secret have on those around you? Could someone get hurt?» If you think sharing a secret would cause unnecessary harm to someone, that’s a good reason to keep it to yourself. You might have to bear it, but it’s better than causing others to suffer as well.
There are always good reasons.
Acknowledge your reasons. Although living with a secret is difficult, you may have good reasons for keeping it, and it’s important to recognize them. As an example, Slepian mentions the case of Edward Snowden, who kept his plans to reveal government surveillance programs to the world secret to expose what he considered immoral. Knowing why he was doing it and the good it could bring him helped him bear the burden.
Sometimes, keeping a secret is the noblest path, Slepian writes: “If the secret affects your well-being, even occasionally, take a hard look at that pain and do your best to understand it. Now consider that perhaps keeping the secret doesn’t harm anyone else. Perhaps your secret protects someone you care about. Or maybe you have your reasons for keeping it. If any of these seem closer to your situation, then that is your coping mechanism, your lifeline.”
And ultimately, the decision is, and always should be, yours.
Does Venting Really Help?
The following contribution comes from Greater Good Magazine (Science Based Insights for a Meaningful Life) and is authored by Jill Suttie, Psy.D., who was Greater Good’s book review editor and is now a contributing writer and editor for the magazine. She earned her PhD in psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and worked as a psychologist in private practice before joining Greater Good.
While expressing negative emotions can be comforting in the moment, science suggests it could make things worse in the long run.
We all get angry from time to time, some more than others. Whether we’re saddened by the loss of a loved one, angry at friends or family, or fearful about the state of the world, we often feel good after expressing it all.
This is because sharing our emotions reduces stress, makes us feel closer to those who share them, and gives us a sense of belonging. When we open up and people respond with empathy, we feel seen, understood, and supported.
But «sharing» encompasses many different modes of communication.
Are some healthier than others in the long run? Science suggests it depends, in part, on how you share and how people respond. Expressing our emotions frequently to others can actually make us feel worse, especially if we don’t find a way to better understand why we feel that way and don’t take steps to calm ourselves.
Why We Vent
Our emotions are valuable sources of information that alert us that something is wrong in our environment and requires our attention. Whether we need to confront someone who is mistreating us, hide from danger, or seek comfort from friends, feelings like anger, fear, and sadness help us prepare to face the moment.
But if feelings are internal signals, why do we share them with others? “We want to connect with other people who can help validate what we’re going through, and venting really satisfies that need,” says researcher Ethan Kross, author of the book Chatter. “It feels good to know there’s someone you can trust, who cares enough to take the time to listen.”
Better Understanding What’s Troubling Us
Sharing our feelings also gives us a chance to better understand what’s causing our difficult feelings and avoid future upsets. Sometimes, simply verbalizing what’s bothering us to someone else helps clarify the situation and identify the emotions involved. Or, if we’re caught in emotional turmoil, our confidants can bring fresh perspectives and offer good advice, Kross says.
Unfortunately, this last part of the equation is often lost in the process, he adds.
“When we get stuck in a venting session, we feel good in the moment because we’re connecting with other people,” he says. “But if we only vent, we don’t also address our cognitive needs. We aren’t able to understand what we’re experiencing, to make sense of it.”
Therefore, while venting can be good for building supportive relationships and feeling good in the moment, it isn’t enough to help us move on. If others simply listen and empathize, they may inadvertently prolong our emotional distress.
The Dark Side of Venting
For many years, psychologists believed that dark emotions, such as anger, needed to be released physically. This led to a “let it all out” movement, in which psychologists literally recommended that people hit soft objects, such as pillows or punching bags, to release pent-up feelings.
However, it turns out that this type of emotional release probably doesn’t calm anger, but rather increases it. This is because encouraging people to express their anger causes them to relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways associated with anger and making them more likely to get angry the next time. Studies on anger venting (without effective feedback), whether online or verbally, have also shown that it is generally unhelpful.
The same is true for grief or anxiety following trauma.
While we should, of course, seek support from those around us during difficult times of loss and pain, simply reliving our experience without finding a way to calm ourselves or make sense of it could prolong our suffering.
For some time, those working with trauma victims encouraged them to engage in «debriefing» afterward, asking them to talk about what happened to prevent post-traumatic stress. However, a randomized controlled trial revealed that this wasn’t very helpful, probably because debriefing doesn’t help distance people from their trauma. Similarly, students who expressed their anxiety after 9/11 experienced more anxiety up to four months later than those who didn’t.
According to the study’s authors, their «focus on emotions and their expression proved to be a unique predictor of long-term anxiety.»
Venting on social media can have the same effect.
In one study, researchers surveyed students at Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University after mass shootings on both campuses to see how venting on social media helped them recover. While the students thought venting was beneficial, their levels of post-traumatic stress and depression actually increased the more they vented.
Speaking and listening attentively.
Besides making us feel worse, venting can also have a negative effect on our audience.
While we hope that supportive friends and family care enough to listen and empathize, it can be frustrating to be around someone who frequently vents when that person seems to be stuck in their emotions without learning from their experience. And being around someone trapped in cycles of anger, fear, or sadness can be overwhelming for those listening, who may end up «catching» the emotions themselves. “Repeatedly venting can create friction in social relationships,” Kross says. “Often, there’s a limit to what listeners—your friends—can truly hear.”
I know I’m guilty of wanting someone to listen when I’m upset rather than immediately seeking advice. If I’m in the throes of intense pain, trying to convince me of how I feel or offering easy solutions seems insensitive or even condescending.
However, Kross doesn’t advocate for that. Instead, she says listening is an art. It requires a combination of empathy, or compassion, and waiting for the right moment before offering perspective.
“Everyone is different, depending on what they’re going through and the intensity of their experiences,” she says. “Being aware that some people may need more time before they’re ready to move from venting to thinking is really important.”
Skillful Venting
There’s a healthier way to vent, Kross says. She suggests these guidelines:
Be selective about when you vent. There are many ways to deal with difficult emotions, and not all of them involve other people. Some people can gain perspective on their own by writing down their thoughts or distancing themselves from them through meditation. Kross recommends changing your environment to help you process emotions and reduce rumination, which might otherwise keep you trapped in an emotional vortex.
Gaining Perspective on Negative Events
Take a step back and analyze your feelings without ruminating.
When you vent to others, encourage them to offer their perspective. If you find yourself venting to someone without your emotions dissipating (or perhaps even worsening), you might be stuck in a cycle of «corumiation,» a repetition that can keep you stuck. To break out of this, you can ask the person to take a step back and help you reframe your experience by asking, «How should I think about this differently?» or «What should I do in this situation?» This will signal to them to offer their perspective and reassure them that you’re looking for more than just someone to listen.
Be mindful of who you vent to. Before venting to someone, ask yourself, «Did this person actually help me the last time I talked to them, or did they just make me feel worse?» If someone is there for you but doesn’t usually broaden your perspective, you might simply become emotionally exacerbated. Being more deliberate about who you vent to could help you in the long run.
Be careful with online venting.
While sharing our emotions online can help us feel better in the moment and find supportive allies, the results can be mixed.
On the one hand, negative emotions spread easily online, which can create a herd mentality and, as a result, harassment or trolling, especially if you identify a particular person as responsible for your feelings. While it’s unclear whether online venting is good or bad overall, it may not help you gain the perspective needed to move forward.
In short, Kross says that venting is good, as it helps us cope with the situation.
If we manage to get past the venting phase, we can feel better in the long run and also strengthen our relationships.
“Venting serves a purpose,” she says. “It has personal benefits in terms of meeting our social and emotional needs. We just need to find the right dose and make sure we complement it with cognitive rethinking.”
Should Leaders Show Their Emotions?
The following contribution comes from the Psychology Today website and is authored by Mark van Vugt, Professor of Evolutionary, Work, and Organizational Psychology at VU University Amsterdam and a researcher at the University of Oxford. He is co-director of the Amsterdam Leadership Lab. He is the author of more than 150 scientific publications in which he applies evolutionary approaches to understand human organizational behavior.
Should leaders express their emotions in public? A journalist asked me this question the other day. I was writing an article about the Dutch general election and wanted to know what I thought, as a psychologist, about the outbursts of anger by a right-wing political candidate (Geert Wilders) directed at his rivals.
Is this a good way to demonstrate your leadership credentials and attract voters?
Scientific evidence suggests not, but the story is complex.
When we think about emotions and leadership, we all remember the tears Hillary Clinton shed when she ran for the Democratic nomination. We remember Obama’s laughter and singing. And what about Illinois State Representative Mike Bost’s recent outburst of anger, which became an instant YouTube sensation? Is it a good idea to express sadness or anger in public when you’re a leader or aspiring to be one?
Emotional Outbursts
The short answer is, it’s not a good idea. Psychologists have studied various personality traits associated with effective leadership, including the so-called Big Five. One of these is neuroticism, defined as «a trait characterized by emotional outbursts, anxiety, and aggressiveness.» All the research suggests that this trait prevents people from being perceived as good leaders.¹ (Although it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t reach the top in business and politics.)
Emotional Stability
The opposite of neuroticism, emotional stability, turns out to be one of the best predictors of effective leadership. This isn’t surprising. We often turn to our leaders for reassurance and confidence in times of crisis. So when Hillary Clinton broke down in tears during a campaign speech in 2008, the general feeling was that it didn’t help her.
Sadness doesn’t increase your appeal as a leader.
And what about anger? In this case, the evidence is somewhat contradictory. Generally, politicians’ displays of anger undermine their effectiveness because they demonstrate a lack of self-control and a propensity for violence. Voters may not want such a person leading their country, let alone in times of peace. But there seems to be a particular group of supporters who respond positively to an angry leader.
These are people with low agreeableness levels. Angry people vote for angry politicians. This explains the popularity of Angry Birds in politics, such as Geert Wilders in the Netherlands, Le Pen in France, or perhaps the Tea Party movement in the United States.
What about positive emotions? Should leaders express joy, contentment, and happiness in public?
Researchers have found that leaders’ expressions of happiness increase their likeability and can even boost their charisma. In a classic study, political scientists video-recorded speeches by presidential candidates, including then-President Ronald Reagan, in the 1984 election. Viewers coded the candidates’ emotional expressions based on three distinct emotions: (1) happiness/confidence, (2) fear/avoidance, and (3) anger/threat. The results showed that candidates received more support when they displayed more happiness/confidence.
This effect was stronger for Reagan than for Mondale. Interestingly, this effect occurred regardless of the political party affiliation of the viewers and no matter what the politicians actually said, as the recordings were silent.
So, if you want to be seen as an effective leader, it helps to manage your emotions in public. If you want to show any emotion, to ensure voters don’t mistake you for a robot, be positive and cheerful, as this will boost your charisma. Avoid negative emotions like sadness or anger (unless you want to attract an angry crowd). Finally, avoid expressing fake emotion, as the public will sense it. There’s nothing worse than having a leader who isn’t authentic, who laughs when there’s really nothing to laugh about.
Leader, how do you feel?
The following contribution comes from the Henley Business School website, which defines itself as follows: We are committed to developing leadership for a fairer world, inspiring and empowering people, and improving businesses. We aspire to develop forward-thinking, responsible, and resilient leaders, ready to forge the path to a more sustainable future.
Author: Team.
Leadership
Finns find it difficult to express their feelings and tend to be fact-based leaders. However, this moment presents a good opportunity to learn how to manage emotions. Due to the coronavirus pandemic, we are living through challenging times: emotions are running high, and the ability of leaders to manage the emotional climate of their organization is paramount. According to research, the work environment has a direct impact on a company’s renewal and financial success.
In Finland, our ability to manage the emotional climate is fundamental.
According to my recent research, Finnish leaders prioritize rational thinking during crises and try to control their emotions.
However, emotions can provide valuable insights for leaders. When managed effectively, emotions boost energy and help people focus on what’s essential.
During crises, leaders create scenarios and develop alternative strategies.
Their agenda might include digitizing services or renewing the product portfolio.
The focus is on change, which is positive. However, renewal is nearly impossible if people become burned out or lose confidence. Therefore, it’s important to consider emotions to help people cope, build confidence, renew themselves, and innovate. This is a prerequisite for successful crisis management.
Therefore, investing in emotional intelligence is worthwhile. We can all learn to do this, and I encourage leaders to embark on a personal journey of change toward accepting, acknowledging, and managing their emotions.
Accepting Emotions
Developing emotional skills begins with one’s own attitude. It’s crucial to accept that human beings are more than just rational thinkers, even at work. All kinds of emotions are part of human life, and difficult situations like crises bring them to the surface. Do you give yourself and others space to express negative feelings like insecurity, disappointment, fear, or sadness? Or do you look away or change the subject? Do you believe everyone at work should be positive?
I encourage leaders to perceive emotions with an open mind and curiosity.
In the current uncertainty surrounding COVID-19, it is important to listen to your team’s concerns and fears. You can manage your own feelings and those of others, but only if you allow them to be expressed first and if you are attentive and open to them.
Recognizing Emotions
Recognizing emotions also begins with oneself. What leaders don’t recognize in themselves, they cannot identify in others. Recognizing emotions is an excellent way to regulate them: emotions that are aroused reduce impulsive behavior, while suppressing them can cause unpredictable reactions and a lack of emotional control. When emotions are expressed and discussed, the organization can direct energy in the right direction.
Recognizing one’s own feelings is like learning a new language. It requires practice and courage to use these skills. It allows you to name emotions, describe them, and discuss them. This type of reflection develops emotional intelligence, which strengthens connections with others, as well as increasing confidence and psychological security. To develop your emotional language skills, you also need the ability to understand the emotional language of others and express emotions verbally.
Leading by Example
Emotional leaders take responsibility for their own feelings. They don’t unload their anxiety or worries onto the organization, nor do they express their emotions unfiltered. They understand that emotions are contagious and, therefore, pay attention to their communication and the language they use.
Emotional leaders set an example for their organization on how to accept their own emotions. They also dare to show their vulnerability. They are genuine, but not impulsive. They dare to admit they don’t know something. And they tolerate criticism and negativity around them, as these also provide them with information and cues.
Recognizing and Expressing Emotions
A leader’s example of accepting and acknowledging emotions, as well as expressing them constructively, is important, especially in times of crisis. An executive’s emotional communication is like an anchor for the team. A balanced leader with professional communication skills generates trust and psychological security among team members and motivates them. To lead the way in shaping the emotional climate of an organization, it’s worthwhile to set high goals, as a strong emotional environment offers companies a significant competitive advantage. Customers, stakeholders, and staff all benefit when emotions are allowed to be expressed, utilized, and channeled toward renewal and growth.
Why do thoughts and feelings matter in leadership?
The following contribution comes from the ITS portal, which defines itself as follows: Like you, we are passionate about business success (increased profitability) and know that this is always reinforced by cultural transformation (teams with happier employees).
iTS LEADERSHIP® develops and delivers tailored programs to help maximize the performance of teams and individuals. Through group workshops, retreats, and one-on-one work, we pride ourselves on improving team performance so they can discover their full potential.
We address specific business challenges, extract clarity from complex situations, and design a strategy with teams so they are fully aligned with it.
We work with business leaders individually to explore their specific challenges and enable them to be as effective as possible in their expanding roles.
Author: Antony Tinker, a team member.
Leadership, Personal Growth
I have already written about the relationship between our thoughts and feelings. How we feel governs our reactions and behavior, and therefore, our effectiveness as leaders. Self-awareness and the ability to control the impact of our thoughts and feelings on our behavior are fundamental to good leadership.
Let me share a perfect example of this, something that happened to me last week.
How currency fraud measures almost ruined my day. I went to London for some meetings and took a taxi from the station. The driver asked if I could pay in cash, so I reached into a pocket of my backpack, where I keep a wallet with some bills: usually pounds sterling, dollars, and euros. But this time, there were only dollars. I was baffled, as I knew there had been pounds sterling there the day before (the last time I used the wallet) and I hadn’t lost sight of it since. I mentally retraced my steps and started to feel very annoyed. Had I been robbed without realizing it? Had I completely forgotten that I had already spent the money?
I arrived at the meeting feeling very distracted and irritated by the loss.
Suddenly, an idea struck me: my wife must have borrowed money. I had left my wallet by the door the night before, and she could have easily reached for it if she had needed cash. «That must be it!» I told myself, and instantly I felt calmer and was able to participate in the meeting again, regaining my focus.
After the meeting, I quickly called my wife to make sure my guess was correct. To my surprise, she said she hadn’t checked my wallet and started speculating about how I could have lost it. Now I was furious! I felt bewildered and confused. As the day wore on, I decided I simply had to accept that the money was gone and that there was nothing I could do about it.
When I arrived home much later that evening, after a business dinner, I went up to my office to unpack, and there, in the corner of the sofa, was the missing money. I realized it must have fallen out when I was getting it ready again for my day in London. The slippery polymer pound sterling (unlike paper dollars) must have slipped out without me noticing.
We only live in the sensation of our thoughts in the moment.
You could say that the Bank of England’s decision to switch to polymer banknotes instead of paper, to reduce fraud, was the cause of all my angst. But in reality, what this experience showed me is that we only live in the sensation of our thoughts in the moment.
What story are you telling yourself?
As I mentioned on LinkedIn the other day, I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations. In it, the authors advise: “You can have your emotions, but don’t let them control you.”
They write about the four steps we go through when our thoughts and feelings are triggered: 1. We see or hear something. 2. We tell ourselves a story about it and its meaning. 3. This makes us feel something about what we’ve seen or heard. 4. We act accordingly.
As you can see, storytelling is not only fundamental to leadership (you can explore this further here), but it’s also fundamental to the connection between our thoughts and feelings, and subsequent (re)actions. The next time you feel your thoughts and feelings starting to trigger your behavior, pay attention to what’s happening. You can’t control your thoughts or feelings, but perhaps you can change the story you tell yourself and, therefore, influence what happens next.
I’d love to hear how it goes, so please get in touch.
The Role of Emotions in Leadership
The following contribution comes from Fast Company. The Fast Company Executive Council is a private, paid network of influential leaders, experts, executives, and entrepreneurs who share their perspectives with our audience.
It is authored by Gary Cooper, who is Chairman of Palmetto Infusion | CEO and Founder of The Carolus Company | Investing in Human and Entrepreneurial Potential.
Unraveling the Complex Process of Emotional Management from a Leadership Perspective
Feelings aren’t facts… but they are real. Are there times to show emotion and times to remain calm in your organization, no matter what’s happening around you? Let’s analyze the complex process of emotional management from a leadership perspective.
IS CONTROLLING OUR EMOTIONS ESSENTIAL FOR GOOD LEADERSHIP?
When a crisis strikes, a leader must guide the way and reassure their employees that everything will be alright. Much can be said about a stoic and predictable leader in difficult times, but where does authenticity fit in? In fact, the traditional leadership style of pretending «everything is fine» when the ship is sinking no longer has a place in the modern workplace.
Sunny Bonnell and Ashleigh Hansberger believe that emotional leaders are the future. In their Fast Company article, published last year, they explain why they are necessary in the new world of work.
«We define ‘emotional’ as possessing a high emotional quotient and great intuition and empathy—essential qualities for any leader who has to manage people, that is, for any leader.»
BE AUTHENTIC
The business media has written extensively about «authentic leadership.» This HBR article summarizes it: «Authentic leadership is a leadership style exhibited by people with high standards of integrity, who take responsibility for their actions and make decisions based on principles, not short-term success.»
Showing emotion is an essential trait of a genuine leader. However, there are also times when emotional restraint is not only necessary, but essential. This doesn’t mean you’re not an «authentic» leader, but rather that you’re guiding the problem-solving approach constructively. This is where Emotional Intelligence (EI) comes in.
LEADERS NEED TO WORK ON THEIR EI
The term emotional intelligence (EI) was coined in the 1990s and later popularized by Daniel Goleman. His number one bestseller, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, delves into the idea that EI is far more important than IQ for boosting productivity.
As leaders, we want to use genuine emotions to inspire our teams and create a sense of unity during stressful times.
Here are some tips for exercising Emotional Intelligence at work that have worked for me:
- Align Feelings with Facts
I like to tell my team that when emotions are running high, they should analyze them carefully. Emotions can be volatile and need to be managed effectively.
I was recently in a budget meeting, and we all left feeling a bit down. That night, I realized it was all down to our self-imposed expectations. We felt we were failing because of expectations we hadn’t met. I reviewed the numbers and shared them with the team the next day. The reality was that we were beating our record of the last two decades! The team’s energy was transformed as we honestly analyzed what we had accomplished, aligning our feelings with the facts.
- The Power of Words
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Communicating effectively is always important, but it’s imperative in times of crisis. This means giving team leaders and management a clear picture and message to all staff. Admitting failures or difficulties is not a weakness. Covering them up with a «everything’s fine» attitude isn’t leadership. It’s deception. Open and honest communication reduces speculation about «what might happen.» I also believe there’s no room for clichés in tough times: let’s call a spade a spade, rally the troops, and inspire fighting spirit.
- Everyone has the right to a bad day. Constant «be happy,» «be cheerful,» and «stay positive» speeches can be detrimental to staff morale. And yes, toxic positivity is a real problem. We’re all human; there will be bad days and good days. An authentic leader recognizes this and knows that employees should have the right to express their negative emotions. A good HR team and a strong support structure will help alleviate an emotionally charged situation.
- Stay Calm and Keep Going
Palmetto Infusion’s CEO and my good friend, David Goodall, has led our company through unprecedented growth, a private equity merger, and a pandemic, and continues to create a culture where everyone thrives. I learned a lot from him about managing my emotions and approaching problems with serenity. He is a steady hand in both good times and bad, and his calm permeates the entire company. If you ask him what motivates him, he’ll give you a simple answer: FAITH. His faith allows him to see the bigger picture, which is vital for any good leader.
Find what works for you, what keeps you grounded and inspired, and use it to your advantage.
- Keep Yourself in Good Company and Leave Your Ego at the Side
Having the right people on your leadership team is everything. Again, I’m referring to David Goodall: he is very thoughtful in everything he does, whereas I am a sensitive person who is easily swayed by emotions. He empathizes with people, but always analyzes the facts and makes careful, informed decisions. It’s an alliance of support and solidarity, and it works.
- Staying Calm in Difficult Times
While emotions can get the better of me in many situations, there are times when perseverance is essential. I’m not talking about a «don’t cry, baby» approach to handling difficult situations. I simply believe that rallying the troops and focusing during challenging times is the way forward for business leaders.
I also turn to gratitude when I need to rein in negative emotions, and I teach our teams the same. Gratitude is an excellent emotion to have in your arsenal. Plus, it’s contagious, which helps everyone focus on more promising outcomes during times of conflict.
Effective Leaders Show Their Emotions
The following contribution comes from the Rotterdam School of Management website. It is authored by Dr. Merlijn Venus, Associate Professor at the University of Amsterdam.
New research demonstrates that leaders’ emotional displays can have a profound and influential effect on how employees think, feel, and behave in relation to an organization’s visionary goals.
Effective Leaders Show Their Emotions
Today, business leaders tend to strive to maintain calm and composure.
Executive coaches teach this. Some professionals are even said to get Botox not only to keep wrinkles at bay but also to sculpt their faces and achieve a permanent state of serenity.
However, if recent research is correct, they might be more useful in acting classes: the latest research suggests that, far from being something to be avoided, emotions are, in fact, a crucial part of persuasion.
This is not entirely new. Since ancient Greece, it has been known that much of leadership boils down to the ability to persuade, and that a key part of that ability lies in the speaker’s capacity to create an emotional connection with their audience. Aristotle, in fact, considered appealing to a person’s emotions to be one of the three key facets of persuasion.
However, for the next 2,500 years, not much more was learned about how this process works. Even questions like what kind of emotion is most effective for what kind of message have been answered less by scholarship than by instinct. Obviously, many leaders developed an intuition about what kinds of emotional displays might support or undermine what kind of message, but no one systematically demonstrated this.
How something is said often matters more than what is said.
From Emotion to Vision
About 15 years ago, this began to change. Although knowledge about the nature of persuasion remains fragmented, researchers have learned more about the dynamics of jobs that require «emotional labor,» such as waiters, flight attendants, hotel receptionists, and other service employees who are expected to provide «service with a smile.» Specifically, some researchers found that the more genuinely they felt the emotions they displayed, the higher their level of customer satisfaction.
However, it’s still unclear exactly how this works. For example, we still don’t know why emotional displays from leaders help them convey a long-term vision, or even what kind of displays work best in each situation.
Manner matters.
Overall, researchers have confirmed common intuition and found that how something is said is often more important than what is said. Other researchers have found a correlation between enthusiasm and perceived charisma, with optimistic emotions tending to be considered more effective. Somewhat more surprisingly, researchers have also determined that emotional displays tend to have a profound, long-term influence on how employees think, feel, and behave at work. For example, expressions of negative emotions tend to generate more analytical thinking within a group and can lead to increased effort, while positive emotions can encourage people to be more creative and feel more open and positive about a company’s prospects. Emotional displays even appear to foster better group coordination.
Learning More About Emotional Displays
These insights are helpful to a certain extent. However, given that a leader’s most valuable work is communicating their long-term vision, we needed to learn more about how emotional displays and expressions can help leaders encourage people to embrace their vision.
Daan Stam, a colleague at RSM who collaborates with me on this research, distinguished in his doctoral thesis between visions of an optimistic future, which appeals to values and opportunities for growth, and towards which people could move forward, and visions of an undesirable and bleak future, which people should stay away from, and which appeals to values such as obligations, duties, and responsibilities.
Follower Personality and Vision Context
He discovered that leaders’ ability to effectively communicate a positive or negative vision depends on the personality of their followers or the context of the vision. In some contexts, people seem more drawn to a warmer vision, while in others they may be more receptive to a colder vision, designed to encourage caution.
His work raised a new question: How can leaders make their vision more readily accepted, regardless of the context or the characteristics of their followers?
Aligning the Vision with the Long Term
Our research suggests that the most important factor in persuading a group to pursue a long-term goal is not whether the emotional state itself is positive or negative, but rather its alignment with the long-term vision of the message. For example, former Vice President Al Gore’s concerned tone in “An Inconvenient Truth” fit his view of the severity of global warming (a preventative approach), while President Barack Obama’s 1998 campaign aligned with his campaign’s optimistic “Yes, we can” vision (a promotional approach).
This congruence can develop in a variety of ways. We found that, in general, a leader’s enthusiasm motivates followers toward a promotional approach, leading to higher follower performance on certain types of growth-oriented goals (Sell more! Serve better!). A leader’s concern works in reverse, encouraging followers to think more about prevention (Don’t lose this account!). But frustration can also be effective when combined with a growth-oriented vision (If only you could fix this software, we’d sell more!).
Just connect.
Most business communication consultants instinctively try to emphasize the positive. However, we found that positive or negative isn’t the crucial aspect of a message’s effectiveness. The effectiveness of emotional content depends largely on its relationship to the ultimate goal: ultimately, there are no negative emotions, only emotions that don’t align with the purpose. Far from hiding their feelings, the most successful executives will be those whose emotional expressions are most closely correlated with their vision of where the organization should be headed. Our findings suggest that leaders capable of offering strong emotional expressions that align with their long-term vision will be more successful in motivating their followers to share and pursue that vision.
Based on various experiments with RSM students and our review of the academic literature, we believe that managers should consider the following:
- Experiencing frustration.
- Acting with concern.
- Emotional awareness and understanding.
- Paying attention to the intensity of feelings.
- Investigating their emotional communication skills.
Of course, many questions remain about the relationship between emotion and persuasion. One of the most compelling aspects focuses not only on the impact of the vision on the group and what other emotions can help leaders, but also on how the leader develops a compelling vision from the outset. How can we help leaders develop and shape a vision? Are there specific personality types or skills that facilitate the development of a persuasive, long-term vision?
Once we know the answers to all these questions, we will be one step closer to a leadership model that managers can use to transform their organization and, eventually, their world. That is, without a doubt, our vision.
Should leaders show their emotions?
The following contribution comes from the Medium portal and is authored by Gil Santanna, a team member.
Each of these pieces represents my perspective on the world, guided by the mentors I admire most and who have helped me along my path.
What does it mean to be a good leader? I certainly don’t have a clear answer to this question, but it’s something I keep in mind every day. However, beyond any boundary between work and personal life, I’ve learned that every human being needs to:
Love and be loved;
Be free from suffering;
Find peace and joy.
Some people have better emotional tools to express these needs; others struggle and sometimes use other methods that mask their emotions and make it difficult for them to remember their basic needs.
This article aims to offer reflections, not answers, on:
How emotionally open should we be at work?
How to manage with compassion? Expressing Emotions
In most organizations, being a good employee means projecting a calm and composed demeanor. We never want to lose our composure, so we develop strategies to maintain a professional image. Who hasn’t spent time after a meeting yelling a tirade at an unseen boss or colleague? And maintaining objectivity can be an advantage. However, that same carefully crafted facade falls apart when, as leaders, we need to generate engagement and enthusiasm. This is a heavy burden to bear! Do we need to generate engagement and enthusiasm all the time?
There is excellent research led by Ofir Turel, published in Frontiers in Psychology,
that assessed team performance and inspiration. The results show that emotion repeatedly emerged as the gateway to authenticity. If people don’t see your true emotions, then they can’t see you. This has also been replicated by many other authors in the field, such as Juan Moriano in this Multilevel Research.
In fact, genuine emotionality is necessary to inspire others. As soon as you become a manager, instead of avoiding emotion, you should embrace it. This doesn’t have to be an abstract exercise.
I often start conversations with my managers by telling them that I have major depression, bipolar II disorder, and that, from time to time, my manic episodes make me hyper-productive and happy, and that every month I feel completely melancholic, and that it’s seasonal. Understanding your emotional wanderings and consciously expressing them is wise and opens the door for others to be more transparent with you about how they feel at work. This is part of what is meant by compassionate leadership.
Compassionate Leadership
We must begin by understanding what compassion means. A classic definition of compassion is the awareness of the suffering of others, which leads to wise actions aimed at alleviating that suffering. In short, we believe that effective compassion requires three elements:
Awareness of others and their feelings: This means being aware of where the pain of others lies (and also in yourself!).
Courage to respond with empathy to suffering. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore it. It takes courage to be present.
Wisdom to use the best tools available and decide if the best course of action is to act, what action to take, and how.
Compassionate leadership emerges when leaders live and interact in ways that demonstrate compassion for themselves and in their relationships with others. Compassionate leaders act intentionally to create a positive impact on the world as a whole.
Become a member
Given the theory and philosophy that underpin what it means to be a compassionate leader, let’s ask the question: How do our actions lead to more compassionate leadership or distance us from it?
Starting with self-compassion
How do you care for yourself? Are you aware of your own suffering and the ways you can address it?
Feeling genuine compassion for others begins with feeling compassion for yourself.
If you are overwhelmed and out of balance, it’s impossible to help others find theirs. Self-compassion includes getting enough sleep and taking breaks throughout the day. For many leaders, self-compassion means letting go of obsessive self-criticism. Start noticing how often you criticize yourself internally for what you could have done differently or better. You probably wouldn’t talk to a close friend or colleague in need the same way you talk to yourself. Instead, cultivate positive self-talk. Then, reframe setbacks as a learning experience. What will you do differently in the future?
Are you aware of what matters most to others?
It’s tied to our human need to be loved. We all want to feel that someone cares about us. Do you truly believe that the people on your team care about you? I developed a way to measure team health, inspired by Spotify’s model, which involves sending an anonymous feedback form with closed and open-ended questions at the end of each sprint. The purpose of sending this form is to:
Evaluate team feedback on critical areas related to their work and mental health;
Give shy participants the opportunity to express themselves in writing before the Retrospective Meeting.
We will then meet in the following days to review what they noted and wrote. Whenever we have something we can improve, it’s important to create action items so that everyone feels heard.
Based on your own experience, what steps could you take to show people that you truly care about them?
Do you focus more on serving or on demanding?
It’s good to get the job done, but how?
How do you prefer to work: in a high-pressure, uncaring environment or in a caring one? How were you treated as a child? Did you like it? In my team, my guiding principle is always: «How can I help this person reach their full potential?» If I transfer the selection of a good technician to the hiring phase, I can arrive at the following hypothesis:
H1: If everyone on the team is technically skilled, our job as leaders is to make them feel happy, valued, and motivated so they can grow in a healthy way.
How do you interact with people?
Before important conversations, speeches, or meetings, consider: What emotional impact do I want to convey? It could be enthusiasm, seriousness, or fun, for example. Remember that emotions are contagious, and leaders, in particular, have a great influence on the team’s mood or group dynamic. If you want others to feel that emotion, you must express it. And remember that if you don’t deliberately set the emotional tone, it will happen by accident. If you show up tired and distracted, those are the emotions you’ll be conveying.
Are you truly transparent, or are you just pretending to be friendly?
As leaders, it’s our responsibility to provide the guidance people need, even if they find it difficult to hear. Sometimes it’s tough, but have you tried approaching it as if you were giving feedback to someone you care about? You’ll probably find the best way to do it.
When a team member is underperforming, experiment with being honest and tell them what they need to work on. If you hide your concerns in an attempt to be kind, people won’t understand the expectations or benefit from your wisdom. That’s why hiding harsh criticism isn’t kind; it’s deceptive. Being clear, on the other hand, is. Examine how kind and transparent you are in yourself.
One last point: There’s an important distinction between genuine and fake emotion. Inauthenticity is easy to spot, so doing any of the above actions in a fake way will likely backfire. The best way to connect on a deeper level is to be transparent about the emotions you’re currently feeling. You’re not acting; you’re conveying emotions.
Is there a time when leaders should show their emotions?
The following contribution comes from the Business Collective website, a media outlet, and is authored by Marjorie Adams, president and CEO of Fourlane, a company that improves the efficiency of its clients’ accounting departments.
Showing your strength as an entrepreneur doesn’t mean maintaining a poker face at all times.
All leaders face enormous responsibility. But with that professional demeanor and emotional burden come feelings and emotions. I generally keep my emotions in check, and often, those close to me don’t really know how I feel about it. Lately, I’ve been looking for ways to express myself in a way that fits our culture but also allows me to share my passion. I know other leaders and entrepreneurs share this. So, when is the right time to share your feelings?
When to share
Most of the time, I go through my day with a fairly neutral perspective. I’m quite balanced. Although it’s rare, I have cried when I feel proud, share my team’s excitement, or share their frustration. As a leader, I worry that I’m weakening my position by showing these emotions. But sharing feelings with my team has more to do with trust than character. When I do it, it’s with a purpose, including the following:
Motivating. Motivating is tricky.
As a college athlete, I remember all the coaches I’ve had over the years. They demonstrated balance by motivating us using both fear and praise. I try to emulate this in my daily leadership. For example, we occasionally hold internal competitions for various reasons: to get new ideas, encourage healthier behaviors, boost sales, etc.
That’s when I emphasize praise and encouragement.
Other times, I have to motivate by expressing my disappointment. For example, our company always documents our processes and shares information internally. Just last week, I expressed my frustration that the documentation wasn’t happening quickly enough. When I think something should have been accomplished by now and hasn’t, I feel angry and disappointed. In my experience, your team will react faster when they sense you’re disappointed rather than just annoyed.
To Encourage Change
One of my managers works incredibly long hours, including late nights and weekends. This is disconcerting for several reasons. First, it creates the expectation for the client that everyone on the team is available around the clock, which isn’t fair to the other team members. Second, it puts my employee at risk of burnout. She’s a valuable member of my team. I can’t force her to stop working these crazy hours, but I can share my genuine concern for her and my desire for her to remain employed.
Sharing Feelings
To Show Loyalty. When a client tries to speak ill of our team, I don’t hesitate to share my feelings with both the team and the client. By doing so, they know I trust our team and that I support them no matter what.
To Celebrate. As a culture, we often forget to celebrate our successes. Whether we hire a new employee, achieve an internal goal, or make a big sale, we should remember to celebrate. Since our team works remotely, they need to sense the joy in my tone. Kind words, a laugh, and a friendly tone of voice let the team know I’m happy.
Being more direct: I’m more sensitive to emotions than I would otherwise be because my team works remotely. They can’t see my face to know if I’m irritated, amused, or simply angry.
I deliberately control my voice so the team can focus on our calls. When I feel disappointed or experience another strong emotion, I stop talking. I withdraw and remain silent so I can reflect and make sure I hear what others are saying.
However, I recently realized that my silence was very difficult to interpret. No one knew what I was thinking, and this created some animosity. Now I try to be more direct and expressive. «This is very frustrating,» I said in a meeting. «I’m disappointed it didn’t get done.» My positive emotions are also difficult to control. When I get excited or feel very proud, I tend to get carried away and embarrass my team and myself. I like to use the word «proud» sparingly so people know I mean it.
After all, business owners are just as human as anyone else. So, every now and then, I have to remind myself that it’s okay for my staff to see me at my most vulnerable, whether I’m laughing, crying, or angry. Emotions are part of everyday life. Figuring out how to use them in your management style is a challenge, just like anything else.