Harvard Research Says Your Kids Will Be More Successful and Happier If You Give Them More Chores
The following contribution is from Inc.com, one of the most prestigious and widely distributed online publications in the United States, covering topics such as NT, entrepreneurship, leadership, marketing, HR, and more.
The author is Jeff Haden, a keynote speaker, writer, LinkedIn Top Voice, contributing editor for Inc., and author of The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win.
Harvard research claims that your kids will be more successful and happier if you give them more chores. Research shows that the chore itself isn’t important; the key is how it fits into a framework of teamwork, accountability, and shared purpose.
Raising kids is hard. Building a business or a career is hard.
Raising children who will one day be successful and happy, while also building a successful business? It’s very, very difficult.
But there is at least one strategy that could help you raise happy, fulfilled, independent, and successful children, regardless of how you define «success.»
Oddly enough, it involves chores.
Housework and Success
As part of Harvard’s landmark 86-year multigenerational study, researchers assessed the backgrounds of more than 700 high-achieving individuals and discovered a strong connection between housework and later career success.
However, effort itself isn’t necessarily the key. Nor is discipline. Nor is the willingness to accept effort. While chores can be isolated events unconnected to a larger whole, whenever possible, incorporate them into a larger effort. The key is to assign tasks that help children feel a shared responsibility, a part of a larger ecosystem.
For example, don’t just ask your children to carry the dishes to the sink after eating. Make sure they know they’re helping everyone clean up. We eat together, we clean together. We help each other keep the house clean. We help each other keep the yard looking good.
Including household chores in a collaborative effort helps children feel more self-confident.
Feeling part of a larger, more communal effort helps them be more likely to recognize the needs of those around them and be more willing to help.
Approach household chores this way, and as your children should:
– They tend to be less self-centered. If everything is done for you, why would you think about the needs of others?
– They tend to develop a better work ethic. Discipline and time management are rarely innate skills. (My parents, although I certainly didn’t enjoy the process, were very consistent in developing mine.)
– They tend to develop greater perseverance. Neither are courage and determination. Perseverance is a muscle that needs to be developed.
Teamwork. Work ethic. Empathy.
The willingness to lead and follow. Doing chores influences their later ability to meet challenges, manage their time, and work well with others.
That’s a solid formula for success.
And, interestingly, for happiness.
Chores and Happiness
A study published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics found that children who begin helping with small tasks at age four or five have higher levels of self-confidence and self-efficacy. It makes sense. Accomplishments feel good. Receiving praise for accomplishments is satisfying.
Even if it’s something as small as putting away toys, it still works: I did it at age four, and my parents acknowledged it.
This could have contributed to a growth mindset. When children realize that effort is the path to success—when they learn that intelligence, ability, and talent can be enhanced through effort—they are more likely to persist and bounce back from setbacks.
As the researchers write:
Compared to children who regularly performed chores, children who rarely performed them were more likely to score in the bottom quintile on self-reported scores of prosociality, academic ability, peer relationships, and life satisfaction.
[On the other hand], the frequency of chores in kindergarten was positively associated with children’s perceptions of social, academic, and life satisfaction competencies in third grade, independent of gender, family income, and parental education.
More chores, within reason? Better life outcomes and happiness.
Especially when you integrate those chores into a team effort. Whenever possible, asking your child to clear the table? No problem.
Asking your child to carry the dishes to the sink while you wash them? Now their effort is part of a larger effort, a broader ecosystem. Now it’s teamwork. Now it’s shared responsibility. Now we’re all in this together.
They don’t do chores in isolation; everyone works together toward a common goal.
Which, since no one does anything worthwhile alone, lays a solid foundation for later success.
Research shows that children who do chores are more successful… but how do you get your child to do them?
The following contribution is from the connected parenting portal, which defines itself as: Connection is the answer. Raising human beings is a constant challenge. Just as you think you’ve got it made, something changes, and you feel like a new parent again.
But parenting confidence doesn’t come from having all the answers…
… it comes from a strong, connected relationship with your child.
Your child is born seeking to connect with you 24/7.
Their survival depends on it.
If you get this right in the early years, your relationship will be strong enough to withstand any obstacle.
My goal is to help you understand the principles, tools, and strategies that foster connection, even during difficult times, so that you become the expert on your child.
When that happens… you won’t need me anymore.
Last week, I went on vacation with my friends. To my surprise and delight, I came home to a spotless house.
The laundry was done, the lawn was mowed, even my car was washed! I looked at my husband in disbelief, and he said with a smile, «I discovered a new trick…
I wrote each kid a list of two or three chores on a sticky note and gave it to them. I told them to put the chores first, and they just…did it!»
He was delighted with his «dad trick,» and I couldn’t believe it. Because it’s not always easy to get four different personalities to do the chores you ask them to do at home.
At the same time, we both know, from our experience raising four kids, why this technique worked so much better than the typical ask-scold-yell approach, which, let’s be honest, we all fall into from time to time.
This week, I’ve seen a lot of buzz on social media about new research indicating that children who regularly help with chores can have better academic performance, improved executive function, improved self-esteem, and better problem-solving skills.
This research isn’t exactly new: a Harvard Grant study, conducted from 1938 to the present (the longest-running longitudinal study in history), has identified two key factors that enable adults to be happy and successful:
First, love.
Second, work ethic.
We all want our children to succeed, so how do we develop work ethic in them? It turns out that getting them to do chores is one of the most significant predictors.
Recent research published in the Australian Journal of Occupational Therapy supports this research and found that children who were required to do chores were more likely to exhibit better academic performance and problem-solving skills.
As a parent educator, I read all this and nod enthusiastically. Yes, it makes perfect sense… As a mother of four, trying to get my kids to pick up their damn shoes? It makes me want to pull my hair out in frustration.
The great thing about parenting is that we can KNOW all this valuable information:
– That eating vegetables is healthy
– That having a reasonable bedtime is important
– That participating in team sports fosters cooperative skills
– That doing chores is good for children’s executive function…
But getting kids to actually DO these things is a different story, isn’t it?
As for kids and chores: We can lead a horse to water… but they might look us in the eye and say, «My legs hurt,» «I hate that,» or «NO!!!»… So what do we do? Do we pressure them? Bribe them? Threaten them? Or give in and do it ourselves?
Raising Leaders or Fighting in the Trenches
There are days when, instead of raising Australia’s future leaders, we feel like we’re waging war in the trenches with angry humans.
As long as they’re eating Cheerios off the floorboards of the car and we survive the battle of brushing our teeth or taking a bath, we consider it survival.
For older children, the pressure of after-school chaos or dinner chore battles is so much that we can’t even imagine how to get them to eat their own plate. Because it seems like something else to manage.
We’re also busy, so stopping to teach kids HOW to do things takes time. We know we should, but between school and preschool, after-school activities, and everyday life, there just isn’t time.
So we get the kids to bed, then pick up the toys, clean the food off the floor, and do the chores ourselves because it’s easier than another battle, and we need them to get done.
However, having kids do chores has great benefits. Executive function and future success aside, I believe all human beings feel good when we are needed, loved, and part of a team.
Believe it or not, chores can also be a great way to spend time as a family. The key is to slow down and remember the hierarchy of what matters most. Because what we forget when we focus on just one piece of advice (chores are good for kids) and forget that what matters above all else is love and connection. We’re off track.
How can we incorporate chores without going crazy?
And how do we do it in a way that makes the relationship with our child central?
Here are my top five tips for getting kids involved in chores:
– Connect with them first.
– Kids aren’t trying to be difficult.
– Our kids crave being the kid who does things well, pleases you, and completes chores.
There are some factors that prevent this, and in a nutshell, it’s developmental.
Your child has a brain that can’t multitask like an adult, and it’s hard for them to stop playing to do a task. It’s also normal for children to resist and pressure us. What seems stubborn and difficult is often healthy development.
Frustrating. Oh my goodness, yes! Healthy. Also, yes.
When we connect FIRST, we overcome a lot of that resistance.
Our child is much more likely to listen to us when we listen to them.
Using touch, songs, play, fun, and lightheartedness to fill your child’s emotional cup is a great place to start. Then, we should explain what we need in simple, broken-down tasks.
Say, «This game is fun! I love how everyone is participating, and I know you don’t want to stop… now it’s time for dinner. And I need your help getting ready… Who wants to put the knives and forks on the table, and who wants to help me clear the plates?»
Yes, it takes a second. But it works SO well, and the kids love feeling seen by us and needed as part of a team.
Discuss What You See
Kids just don’t «see» what we see.
They don’t see the shoes on the bathroom floor, the dropped snack wrapper, the messy craft project… and the LEGOs… all those LEGOs! They see the play and the imagination, and when we get exasperated because they don’t see it the way we do (and don’t get me wrong, I do too), we’re not getting anywhere.
Instead, try this idea of discussing what you see:
“I see paper on the floor, I see notebooks with open covers. We can’t take out the next toys until we clean this up: Iris, how about you do the notebooks and your brother and I do the papers?”
This narrative helps children develop the ability to begin to SEE the mess. This is critical for fostering their ability to intuitively help without being prompted to do so in the future.
Help Them (and Be Kind)
I have four children. The oldest is at an age where he’s pretty good at folding laundry and helping out.
He also mows the lawn once a week to earn money with his «spriggy,» but it’s not all about running around helping out as if it were first nature at home.
Personality, temperament, and development all influence children’s ability to complete their chores the way we want. If they can’t do the chore the way we ask, we need to analyze why and how we can provide more support so they feel fulfilled.
We need to adapt to their needs and provide enough support for them to get started.
We could divide the task of cleaning a room, so they take care of one thing and you do the rest.
It may seem like they’re doing very little for their age, but when we focus on their progress and reduce the pressure, we encounter less resistance.
So, until they can do it, we help them and show them kindness in doing it. They actually learn more from what we do than from what we say. This translates to better long-term cooperation.
Create visual cues
I say this a lot, but I’m not joking. Draw it or write it down.
Children process things much better visually. You want them to make their bed and brush their teeth every day; create a visual reminder on the wall for them to check off. (They won’t need a reward for doing so, because they want to do well.)
Thinking about it this way, when you have something to plan, like inviting friends over for dinner, do you write a list to keep track of the tasks? We all do better with a cue to help us track progress.
Tips for toddlers: Use a whiteboard and draw two or three very basic tasks followed by a reward or a game. Try using pictures instead of words and explain the plan to them. You’ll be surprised how much more engaged they are when they have a visual list.
Try to have fun.
No one does well if we struggle before we start. Incorporating a touch of lightheartedness and fun into tasks increases cooperation, but it also fosters in your child an intrinsic desire for them to do well.
You might say, «Today we’re going to weed the garden! It’s a big project, and I really need your help.»
Teach your children what weeds are, or compete to see who picks up the most toys, trash, or leaves from the garden. Give them each a container and make it a race. The goal is to create an atmosphere of teamwork about how much we actually accomplish.
You may notice I haven’t mentioned a reward chart, spending money, or a paycheck.
This is because I’ve never seen much success with these strategies with my children.
Either the investment wears off, we forget about the chart, or it simply doesn’t motivate them in the long run. I’ve noticed that when we focus on teamwork or connection, children intrinsically want to help, and this is half the battle.
The evidence backs this up. Rewards and payments don’t increase intrinsic motivation in young children over the long term, but they can motivate them in the short term. As I always say, if it works for you to get things moving at home, that’s totally fine.
Development is a long process. There are days when our children (like us) don’t have the ability to get to where we’d like them to be if they cooperate. It’s important to constantly remind ourselves that «Rome wasn’t built in a day» and that «human development seems to take even longer.»
Our job is to continue to be the example and trust that this ability is within them. Notice the days they do help and remember to thank them for being part of the team.
P.S.
Next week, I’ll give you my 5 favorite chores that I PROMISE your kids will love—and you will too. (Hint: one of them involves having them clean the baseboards, and you won’t regret it!)
Becoming an Adult: How to Tackle Real-Life Responsibilities in College
The following contribution is from the website of St. John’s University in Queens, New York, USA.
Starting college is an important milestone that marks your official entry into adulthood. You’re no longer just a student; you’re learning to handle real-life responsibilities while enjoying a newfound independence.
It’s an exciting, if sometimes overwhelming, experience. Balancing your social life, health, and studies can be challenging, but don’t worry, you’re not alone in this!
Here’s a guide to thriving on campus while becoming an adult, balancing your health, relationships, and academic success.
Adulting 101: 5 Essential Life Skills to Explore
- Health and Wellness: Prioritize Yourself
Taking care of yourself is more important than ever. With everything going on, it’s easy to forget about self-care, but keeping yourself in check will help you stay focused and energized. Here’s how you can maintain your well-being:
Sleep Well
Don’t let late-night study sessions or get-togethers with friends interfere with your sleep schedule. Aim for 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. Trust us: getting enough rest will keep you alert and ready to take on any situation.
Eat Well, Feel Good
You may be tempted to live on instant ramen or late-night snacks, but your body deserves better. Look for healthy options at the cafeteria or consider meal prepping to save time and eat well. A wellness coach or registered dietitian can help you find a nutrition plan that works for you.
Stay Active
Finding time to exercise is key to managing stress. Whether you’re hitting the gym, joining a college sports club, or just going for a walk, staying active improves your mood and keeps your mind clear.
- Mental Health: When to Seek Help
Preparing for adulthood can create stress and anxiety, especially in college, where the pressure to perform and manage new responsibilities can feel overwhelming. Prioritizing your mental health is essential. Here are several tips to help you navigate this aspect of your life:
Recognize the Signs
It’s important to be aware of your feelings. If you’re constantly feeling depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it may be time to seek help. Understanding that mental health issues are common and nothing to be ashamed of is a crucial step.
Use Campus Resources
Most colleges offer counseling services that can be valuable support. These resources often include individual therapy, group sessions, and wellness workshops focused on stress management and coping strategies. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment or attend a workshop; it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
Take Care of Your Health
Incorporate self-care into your routine. This can include simple activities like reading, taking a walk, or enjoying a favorite hobby. Find what reenergizes you and incorporate it into your week. Even short breaks can help you reset and recharge.
Mindfulness and Stress Management
Practicing mindfulness or meditation can have a significant impact on your mental well-being. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer guided meditations that can help you cultivate a sense of calm. Even five minutes of focused breathing can help you center yourself when you’re feeling stressed.
Limit Social Media Use
While social media can be a great way to connect, it can also contribute to anxiety and negative self-comparisons. Consider setting limits on your social media use, such as designating «phone-free» times or unfollowing accounts that make you feel less than your best.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
If self-care techniques aren’t enough for you, consider contacting a mental health professional. Therapists and counselors are trained to provide support and strategies tailored to your individual needs.
Remember that prioritizing mental health isn’t just about managing crises, but also about taking care of your overall well-being. Taking proactive steps can help you navigate the ups and downs of preparing for adulthood with greater resilience and confidence.
- Financial Responsibility: Developing Good Financial Habits
One of the most important aspects of becoming an adult is getting on top of your finances. Managing college finances can feel overwhelming, but developing good financial habits from the start will set you up for success later in life. Here’s how to make your money work for you during college:
Create a Budget
Making a budget may sound boring, but it’s one of the best ways to stay on top of your college finances. Keep track of your income and expenses, from textbooks to takeout, so you know exactly where your money is going. There are many apps that make managing your money easier, such as Goodbudget or YNAB. Learning this will make your money last longer and help you stress less about your spending.
Avoid Debt
Credit cards may seem convenient, but they can cause serious problems if you’re not careful. Try to pay off your balance each month to avoid high interest and unnecessary debt. Building credit is important, but don’t let it become unmanageable. Learning how to manage this is key to growing into an adult and managing your financial future.
Take Advantage of Student Discounts
One of the perks of college life is all the student discounts available.
From streaming services to software, always look for a student rate. Don’t miss out: it’s an easy way to stretch your budget without cutting back on the things you enjoy.
Many places offer these deals, so be sure to get the most out of every dollar.
Understand Financial Aid
Managing college finances also means staying on top of financial aid.
Whether it’s scholarships, grants, or loans, be sure to be proactive by checking with financial aid advisors and staying on top of deadlines. This can make a big difference in the amount of debt you take on when you graduate. Knowing how to make the most of financial aid is key to reducing stress later on.
Create an Emergency Fund
It’s always a good idea to have a backup plan for unexpected expenses, like a broken laptop or an emergency trip home. Even if it’s just a little each month, start setting aside some money for an emergency fund. It may not seem like much at first, but over time, it adds up and gives you peace of mind—essential for developing good financial habits.
Consider Working Part-Time or Studying with a Workforce
If you have the time, getting a part-time job or participating in a work-study program can help you cover some expenses and reduce the need for loans. It’s also a great way to gain work experience while keeping your college finances under control. Plus, it gives you extra money without relying on credit cards.
- Roommates and Relationships: Get to Know Your People
Living with roommates is one of the first important steps toward becoming an adult, and it’s definitely a learning experience! You share space, deal with different personalities, and figure out how to solve common roommate problems. It’s not always easy, but it can be rewarding if you approach it with the right mindset. Here’s how to make it work:
Communicate Openly
The best way to avoid awkward situations or tensions is to talk things through ahead of time. Talk honestly with your roommate about noise levels, cleanliness, and how you feel about having visitors.
Addressing these issues right away can prevent bigger problems down the road. Managing these types of issues with your roommate is critical to making college life more realistic and helping you grow into an adult.
Expand Your Social Circle
Don’t rely solely on your roommate for social interaction. College life offers many opportunities to meet new people, whether through clubs, campus events, or even study groups. You can even use this to kick-start one of the most important aspects of adult life: your career. Expanding your professional network can enrich your experience and provide you with a strong support system during your transition to adulthood.
Respect Boundaries
Sharing space with another person means learning to respect each other’s boundaries.
Maybe you wake up early and your roommate stays up late. It’s important to find agreements that work for both of you.
If problems arise with your roommates, address them as soon as possible. Setting and respecting boundaries is essential for becoming an adult and will help you avoid unnecessary conflict.
Let’s solve problems together
Disagreements happen; it’s normal. Whether it’s about assignments, shared spaces, or personal habits, the key is to stay calm and solve the problem together. Learning how to manage and resolve problems with roommates is a critical skill you’ll apply to all aspects of university life and beyond.
Study smarter, stress less
As you adjust to university life, mastering how to balance your studies with new responsibilities is essential for becoming an adult. Here’s how to take control and stay ahead of the game:
Master time management
One of the most important aspects of becoming an adult is learning how to manage your time effectively.
Time management in university involves more than just meeting deadlines; it’s about prioritizing and creating a routine that works for you.
Digital calendars or apps like Google Calendar can help you stay on track. Breaking down larger tasks into smaller steps not only reduces stress but also prepares you for the complexities of adult life.
Find Your Study Space
Part of being a self-sufficient adult is understanding how you work best. Whether it’s the quiet atmosphere of the library or the bustle of a busy coffee shop, finding the optimal study environment can make all the difference. Being proactive and adaptable about your study routines will set you up for success, not only academically but also in managing other areas of your life.
Take Advantage of Office Hours
Adulthood means standing up for yourself. In college, that often starts with contacting your professors. Taking advantage of office hours to ask questions or seek clarification demonstrates maturity and responsibility.
Interacting with professors not only helps you academically but also builds the confidence needed to network and build professional relationships later on.
Combat Procrastination
Learning to manage procrastination is a vital skill that goes beyond schoolwork.
Setting study schedules, breaking tasks into smaller, manageable chunks, and limiting distractions are habits that foster discipline.
As you take control of your own schedule and responsibilities, you develop good habits that will serve you well throughout your adult life.
Find Balance
Ultimately, becoming an adult isn’t just about working hard; it’s also about finding balance.
College is a time to learn how to juggle multiple priorities.
Yes, your studies are important, but so are your mental health, your social life, and your free time. Achieving that balance now is key to meeting the demands of adulthood.
Own Your Adult Life
College isn’t just about studying; it’s about becoming the adult you want to be.
Becoming an adult means accepting the ups and downs that this new stage brings. Remember that it’s okay to face challenges along the way. The skills you develop (managing your health, finances, relationships, and studies) will serve you well in the long run. Take it one step at a time and trust that you can achieve it. Your journey to adulthood is just beginning.
9 Characteristics of Successful Adult Learners
The following contribution is from the Metropolitan State University of Denver website.
The number of adult learners is increasing, but not all thrive in the college environment.
What makes an adult learner successful? Here are nine specific characteristics that increase the likelihood of adult learners achieving their degrees.
Who are Adult Learners?
Students in a classroom at MSU Denver. These are students, generally 25 years old or older, who do not attend college immediately after high school.
Rather, they take time off to work or even start a family before pursuing higher education.
They may also be students who started college and then had to take a break to take on other responsibilities for a while before returning to school.
The number of adult learners is increasing on campuses across the country. Online education platforms and flexible scheduling at many current universities have made it possible for more people to earn a degree.
Today, more than 40% of college students are 25 years old or older, and some have even passed middle age and are returning to school to pursue their dreams.
What are the characteristics of adult learners?
As more adults return to school, campuses are striving to understand what motivates them and how to help them achieve success in the changing college environment.
Among students who achieve success, these nine characteristics are what drive them to thrive. If you have them or think you could develop them, you are in a good position to consider returning to school.
Not afraid to ask for help/support
One of the things that makes adult learners successful is that they are not afraid to ask for help when they need it.
Older college students have learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness and is often the best opportunity for success.
Furthermore, because they have a clearer understanding of why they are going to school than younger students, they are highly motivated to get the most out of it, knowing that sometimes they will need help to do so.
Open-minded
Adult learners have seen the world and know that one-size-fits-all solutions don’t always work.
Therefore, successful adult learners tend to be more open-minded than younger students or their less successful peers.
This is a characteristic that distinguishes successful adult learners from those who are not. Sometimes, to their own benefit, older students are inflexible and resistant to change.
Having teachers challenge their personal values and preconceptions can be difficult. Those who succeed are those who are capable and willing to change.
Results-Oriented
Adult learners want to see results. Being results-oriented means they often focus on activities that will guide them toward their primary goal.
Therefore, they rarely take electives that aren’t applicable to their goal and instead focus their energy on more relevant courses. They put effort into their education while seeing the results of their work.
Drive/Passion to Learn
Adult learners’ goals are often very specific, which drives them to learn what’s necessary to achieve them.
They have already spent time in the workforce and know the skills and knowledge they lack to be successful in their chosen career.
They may have chosen a career they are passionate about but need additional training to get started.
Because of their passion for their profession, adult learners are motivated to expand their knowledge and skills.
Ability to Use Resources Around Them
Older students are aware of the resources available, both in the community and on campus, and know how to use them to achieve their educational goals.
For example, adult students are more likely to have community contacts they can call if they need to interview someone for a class project or schedule an internship to complete their educational requirements; they are less reluctant to tap into those resources.
Strong Listening Skills
Since adult students take time off from school before heading off to college, they gain interpersonal skills that some students recently graduated from high school lack.
The ability to listen to others is one of those skills. Good listening skills help with understanding lectures, as well as listening and learning from peers, which contributes to adult students’ success.
Being Responsible
Adult life comes with many responsibilities. Students who have lived on their own and managed their own bills and finances for a while learn to be responsible.
Being responsible in their personal and professional lives also makes it easier to be responsible in their education. Goal-Oriented
Adult students often return to college because they have a specific goal. This means they want to see results from their studies (see point 3 above).
Keeping track of positive outcomes as part of an overall goal is a key differentiator for many adult learners. Having a goal in mind keeps students motivated, even when work-life balance becomes difficult.
Resilient
Adult learners don’t give up easily. Because they have a priority goal and strive for a specific outcome, they won’t let a small difficulty derail their efforts.
Many adult learners have already started college and have had to step back for a while. Returning to college demonstrates tenacity and courage, which translates into resilience when things get tough.
Best Practices for Adult Learners
If you’re considering returning to college, you’ll want to learn how to manage your time well. Set aside a specific time slot for studying so you can focus on your studies when you’re there.
Be sure to be mindful of the number of classes you take at once to avoid overexerting yourself. Finally, choose a program that offers flexibility and the training you need in your career field.
Metropolitan State University of Denver offers more than 90 undergraduate degree programs and 10 graduate programs, all tailored to the needs of adult learners.
We are one of the most innovative universities in the area, with several flexible programs that are perfectly suited to our adult learners. From online classes to in-person programs with flexible schedules, you’ll find something to help you achieve your goal at MSU Denver.
Graduating to Adulthood
The following contribution is from the CHADD website, which defines its mission as follows:
CHADD empowers people with ADHD by:
providing evidence-based information;
supporting individuals, their families, and the professionals who support them throughout their journey; and
advocating for equity, inclusion, and universal rights.
The author is Carey A. Heller, PhD, in psychology.
FOR MANY YOUNG ADULTS, college graduation marks the beginning of real adulthood, with the task of juggling a job, living in an apartment or shared house instead of a dorm (or adjusting to living at home as adults), planning meals, paying bills, and taking on other responsibilities.
For those who went directly from college to graduate school, real adulthood, and at least some of the responsibilities that come with it, may be even further delayed.
While the avalanche of adult responsibilities can cause anxiety in the average young adult, entering this stage of life with ADHD symptoms can make successful adjustment difficult for both the young adult and their parents.
Young adults affected by ADHD may struggle to maintain a consistent sleep schedule, eat healthy foods, complete necessary tasks (such as laundry and grocery shopping), manage money without overspending, and remember to pay bills.
The list of potential obstacles is endless. However, young adults with ADHD have the full capacity to thrive. If you are an emerging adult, you can take a proactive approach to managing your new responsibilities. If you are a parent and your child implements strategies like those described here, you can empower them to be independent, knowing they have the tools to succeed.
Keep Track of To-Do Lists
While most young adults have a smartphone, not all of them use it to stay organized. Electronic to-do lists, such as Reminders, Do!, gTasks, or Wunderlist, can be helpful because they provide a single place to list all your obligations.
- Create different lists within the app for categories like bills, household chores (grocery shopping, laundry), etc. This will help make your to-do list less overwhelming.
- Schedule a time to complete each task when someone is likely to be available to complete it (with a notification reminder). This will help improve follow-through. Location-based reminders for things like picking something up at the store when you’re passing by can also be helpful.
The calendar app is another feature you may not use as often as you could.
It’s important to have everything in one place to stay on top of work appointments and events.
Many people find the calendar useful even when making plans with friends. Both the standard calendar app on your phone and the Google Calendar app work well.
You can use a calendar and to-do list combined in one app. Fantastical (iPhone, iPad, Mac), iCalendar (iPhone, iPad), and gTasks (all platforms) fulfill this function, allowing you to view to-do list items at scheduled times in your calendar, as well as separately in your to-do list.
Plan times to complete specific tasks
Having a full-time job often leaves adults with only a few hours each week to run errands and do other tasks. Therefore, planning is essential. Here are some suggestions you can use for typical activities.
- Shopping
- Choose a set time each week to do your grocery shopping.
- Consider using an app or ordering online for pickup.
- This saves you time at the store.
- It also allows you to see how much you’re spending before paying. You can adjust your order if the bill is too high.
- Laundry
- Just like in college, if you live in an environment with shared washers and dryers, having a set schedule for doing laundry increases the likelihood that the units will be free when you want to use them. This will help ensure you don’t run out of clean clothes.
- Exercise
- It can be difficult to go from being able to exercise at random times of the day while in college to having to do it in a small amount of free time.
- It may be best to buy a gym membership and try to go at the same time every day.
Exercising before work has many benefits, such as taking a load off your shoulders and staying focused throughout the day. Some people find that exercising in the morning improves focus throughout the day.
Going to the gym right after work can also be a good option, especially if getting up early isn’t possible.
The best option may be to combine going to the gym with a transition activity, such as commuting to or from work. If you struggle with starting a task, trying to move to the gym after resting for a while at home can be especially difficult.
Attending scheduled exercise classes can help young people be more accountable for their attendance. Participating with friends or making friends through classes can also facilitate greater consistency and perseverance in classes.
Maintain Personal Hygiene
The need to get enough sleep may seem obvious, but going to bed early can be difficult. Here are some suggestions for good sleep hygiene.
Choose a consistent bedtime each night.
Use the alarm clock app on Apple devices or other sleep apps like Sleeptracker or Pillow. These apps send notifications each night to remind you to start getting ready or go to bed at a specific time.
Automatic alarms are also very helpful.
- To silence alerts during the night, set the «Do Not Disturb» feature on your smartphone to activate just before bedtime.
- Not sleeping near your phone can prevent you from checking it at night. Also, having to get up to turn off your alarm in the morning can improve your ability to wake up.
- Consider using blocking software like Freedom or Cold Turkey if you can’t unplug from your electronic devices. These programs allow you to automatically block apps, websites, or software programs for certain periods of time.
Eating regularly and choosing healthy options makes sense, but doing so can be difficult when you have ADHD. Here are some suggestions to make it easier.
Once a week, before you go grocery shopping, make a list of the meals you plan to eat that week. This way, you’ll have to make fewer decisions about what to cook each night.
- When planning meals, consider your after-work schedule each day. Reserve specific days for takeout if necessary. ● If you prefer to carefully monitor your food intake, apps like Lose It offer detailed logging. You can record your meals, as well as the specific nutrients and vitamins you consume daily.
Pay Your Bills on Time
Financial tasks are one of the most important challenges of adult life. Here are some strategies to guide you in managing your money.
- First, make a list of all your monthly bills (such as rent, cable TV, online subscriptions) along with the due date for each one.
- If you are employed, determine how much money will actually come into your bank account each payday after taxes, benefits, etc. are deducted. If you work in sales or other jobs where commissions represent a significant portion of your income, estimating your average monthly income can be helpful.
- It may be helpful to establish a simple system to pay bills at the same time each week or month (for example, every Saturday or Sunday at 11 a.m.).
- You may find it helpful to transfer money from regularly scheduled bills into a single account and maintain a separate account for expenses. You can use the automatic bill pay features to set up automatic monthly payments for multiple bills.
- Use Mint or a similar program to receive reminders to pay bills.
- You may find it helpful to set up notifications on your calendar or to-do list to remind you when to pay specific bills.
Social Adjustment
Moving from a school environment where you have friends all the time to a place where you may not know anyone or probably don’t live that close to your friends can be difficult. Here are some ways to ease the transition.
- Make friends who live nearby. Consider joining a recreational or social sports league, participating in a meetup group, participating in a local religious organization, joining a running club, or finding other ways to meet people and make friends.
- Accept that you may not have a job that allows you to go out during the week and stay up late. Make dinner plans and reserve nights out for the weekends.
People make the transition to real adulthood with varying levels of success. Entering life with limitations due to the symptoms of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and deficits in executive function can make adjustment difficult.
However, by taking steps to plan how to keep track of everything, adjusting systems when they aren’t working as effectively as needed, and seeking professional help when necessary, you can thrive and fully enjoy adult life.
Carey A. Heller, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist based in Maryland and an adjunct clinical professor of clinical psychology at George Washington University. His assessment specialties include evaluations of learning disabilities, ADHD, and mood and behavioral disorders in children and adolescents. Learn more at www.hellerpsychologygroup.com. Dr. Heller, a member of the board of directors of the Montgomery County Chapter of CHADD, also serves on the editorial board of Attention.
Adulthood: The Moment When You Take the Rest of Your Life Seriously
The following contribution is from the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) website, which belongs to the Australian government.
Summary
Both age and the status indicators by which we judged adulthood in the past are no longer clear indicators.
Today, a 23-year-old can have a partner but not a job, a child but not a partner, a student and married, a job but living with their parents; they can have no job, no partner, and no children and live with their parents, yet still feel like an adult.
In 1990, the Australian Institute of Family Studies’ Adulthood Conversion Study asked 138 23-year-olds what adulthood meant to them. The results of the study showed that adulthood meant responsibility, independence, and, to a lesser extent, a stage of psychological development involving growth, learning, and personal consolidation.
«Adulthood? I’d say I’d already reached it, wouldn’t I?» It’s probably time to get serious about the rest of your life.
This is how Vince sees adulthood. He’s 23, financially independent, has been in a relationship with a young woman for three years, is self-confident, and, to himself and others, is clearly an adult.
However, both age and the status markers by which we judged adulthood in the past are no longer clear indicators.
Adulthood is socially defined, with expectations about appropriate behavior and the assumption of responsibilities.
In the past, adults were expected to have made important transitions, such as moving from school to the workforce, from living with their parents to living in their own home, from financial dependence to financial independence.
Now, however, it’s not that simple. A 23-year-old can have a partner but not a job, a child but not a partner, be a student and live with their parents, be a student and be married, have a job but live with their parents—all of which are completely different. They may not have a job, a partner, or children, and live with their parents, yet still feel like adults.
Adulthood is also a stage of psychological and personal development
in which people are assumed to have established their identity and are on the path to becoming independent, responsible, self-disciplined, and purposeful.
If this is adulthood, some would argue that most of us spend our lives «adulting» and may never achieve it.
Others argue that we always carry something of a child within us, and that the healthiest balance is to recognize and accept both elements—the adult and the child—each of which is appropriate at specific times.
In some societies, reaching adulthood is clearly marked by rituals and ceremonies at a certain age or by assuming a specific status.
In post-industrial societies, reaching adulthood tends to be gradual, complex, and sometimes vague.
The different rights and responsibilities of adults are assumed at different ages.
Responsibilities can be assumed gradually and unevenly, or quickly and suddenly, either by choice or due to some unexpected event.
In 1990, the Institute asked 138 23-year-olds what adulthood meant to them. Did they view adulthood in the way described above, or did they use different indicators?
The question was included in the Institute’s Adulthood Conversion Study, which had two main objectives. The first was to explore and describe how a group of young adults in their twenties had constructed their adult lives; the second was to identify and explore different paths to adulthood and different patterns of independence and responsibility.
Overall, the study’s findings showed that, for this group of 23-year-olds, adulthood meant responsibility, independence, and, to a lesser extent, a stage of psychological development involving growth, learning, and identity consolidation.
Responsibility
The theme of responsibility predominated: responsibility for determining one’s own life and future, financial and social responsibility, and responsibility to others.
Personal Responsibility
A strong sense of increased personal responsibility was generally seen as a positive aspect of becoming an adult. The following comment summarized the prevailing view:
«Adulthood means being responsible for your future, for what you will do with the rest of your life, and being responsible enough to make the right or wrong decisions, as the case may be.»
Several 23-year-olds specifically mentioned the shift from parental responsibility to personal responsibility, for example:
«Adulthood is having control over what you do because you no longer have Mom and Dad controlling it.»
«Before, other people’s decisions affected you. Now, it’s a challenge to be in charge of your life and your direction.»
Some were somewhat anxious about this kind of responsibility. Dean, a student and cohabiting partner, said:
«It means taking full responsibility for your actions, and the key to adulthood is trying to accept this fact.» That’s where the panic comes from!
Financial Responsibility
The positive side of financial responsibility was the sense of control over one’s life, but pressures were frequently mentioned: «having to control money»; «bills, bills, pressure, and work»; «more responsibilities, dealing with finances and banking, knowing you should save rather than spend»; «having to control money.»
Even when parents were clearly supportive, personal financial responsibility was recognized in adulthood. Lawrence, who lived with his parents, realized he had the support of his family, but felt that, as an adult, it was his responsibility to achieve financial stability and advance his career.
Responsibility for Others
Caring for others, feeling obligated to consider and be accountable for them, were also part of adulthood. In several cases, the comments related to partners or children, but some expressed a more general responsibility toward other people.
Deborah had children, and for her, adulthood meant responsibility for others, and with it a certain lack of freedom. Kate said,
«You have to start thinking about your future. I already have the responsibility of having a partner, so you have to change your direction and your routine.»
Simon was about to get married, but his comment reflected an attitude developed from growing up in a large, single-parent family and participating in the Scout movement:
«You can’t just be responsible for yourself; you have to take care of others at the same time, but not be a babysitter. If someone does something wrong or has a problem, you just say something.»
Social Responsibility
Some young people thought that adulthood came with broader social responsibilities. Celia said that adulthood meant «trying to do the right thing for yourself and those around you; trying to do the right thing for the community, for the environment, being an environmentalist.» And having the ability to do that for future generations, not just thinking about yourself.
Shane thought it meant “taking responsibility for what’s around you, trying to change what you don’t like, just expressing your opinion about what’s wrong and what’s right in the world.” He said,
“I feel like it’s a stage of life where if you feel strongly about something, it’s time to take action and express your opinion. Adolescence is the time when you formulate all your ideas, develop yourself, and know what you want. And then adulthood is the time when you take responsibility to do something about it.”
Taking action on social issues begins with an awareness of the world beyond your immediate surroundings. For Kerry, being an adult meant facing the negative aspects of human behavior:
Being an adult means not being so naive about the world and people in general.
Independence and Freedom
Almost as frequently mentioned as responsibility was a sense of independence, personal autonomy, and freedom to make one’s own decisions.
Comments included: “not being limited by school rules or parents”; “being able to do what you want when you want without having to ask”; “not having to ask Mom or Dad for anything”; and “it means making my own decisions.”
While this was generally considered a very positive aspect of growing up, many young adults spoke of ambivalent feelings and the realization that freedom and independence also had a downside. Tamara thought being an adult was “very unstable”:
“When you’re a kid and you’re still in school, you’re safe.
You always have your parents’ support, so whatever happens, it always falls on them.
If you make a mistake, it’s your parents’ fault. But when you’re an adult, you live with reality.” If you make a mistake, it’s your fault and you have to live with it.
Several young people reflected on the differences between adolescence and young adulthood and the tendency to shift perspectives. Lucy said:
«I remember being 15 or 16 and thinking, ‘I wish I was 18 or 19, leaving home and having my own lifestyle.’ But I don’t think I realize how many responsibilities you have. Although I also like the freedom it offers, like I’m in control of myself.»
Dean recalled his student days:
«It’s funny when you’re young, you think you long for adulthood. You don’t really appreciate the pressures. Now, I often think back on it. You come home from school, put your backpack down, watch TV, read a book, or just relax.
«Now, well, who knows where the next rent will come from, and we have all these other worries.» The worries you might have had as a child take on a whole different magnitude when you reach adulthood.
Growing, Learning, Consolidating
Psychological development wasn’t mentioned as often as responsibility and independence.
Adulthood was variously described as a stage of greater maturity, growth, learning, and personal consolidation. Some comments included:
– «Being wise and knowing your limitations.»
– «Finding your place in this world, finding where you belong.»
– «Being happy, being aware of who you are in every situation, but also being able to let go of that awareness and just enjoy things.
I mean, you can’t do it all the time, but you have to persevere. Also, not relying on others to do the dirty work.»
Lisa thought constant challenges were part of becoming an adult:
«You learn something new every day, and I think, yeah, maybe I can do something like that next time. You’re always being tested in life, so as you mature, you’re tested even more.» School exams don’t come close to what I’ve been through to reach the age of 23. Imagine what I’m going to go through to reach 30. All my little experiences are in the back of my mind and are being assimilated. I guess you get wiser.
Social Markers of Adulthood
For some young adults, adulthood included the recognized social transitions: employment, leaving home, entering a committed relationship, and starting a family.
These social markers were mentioned by both young adults who had made these transitions and those who hadn’t. Janice was married and said,
«I’m still part of a family, but we’ve become our own family. We do our own thing now.
That’s adulthood to me. And later on, having kids.»
George didn’t have a partner, but for him, adulthood meant «marriage, being a father, kids, things like that.» Because Erica didn’t have a partner, she felt she wasn’t an adult in every sense:
«I consider myself an adult in some ways, but not in others, since I don’t have a partner and I’m free to do whatever I want.»
When asked if being in a relationship made her more adult, she replied:
Yes, it’s more of a permanent thing. You know you might settle down someday; you might take on a lot more responsibilities.
Cameron summed up the importance of major transitions this way:
«Adulthood is what I do now: work, live, earn a living, live with someone, support each other.»
Bill and Joanne viewed starting a home and having children as part of adulthood, but something they weren’t yet ready for:
«It means responsibilities I don’t have right now. A house, having kids, and all that. You’re tied down, and I don’t like being tied down.» (Bill)
«More commitments; you have to work harder as you get older because sooner or later you’ll have to buy a house and all that. I just take it as it comes; I don’t think about it too much.» (Joanne)
The right to vote was mentioned by only one respondent, and although obtaining a car and a driver’s license were often mentioned as important events from age 16 onward and significant for developing independence, they were not mentioned in the context of adulthood.
Living at Home and Being an Adult
There were no consistent differences between those who lived with their parents and those who did not when defining adulthood. However, some thought that living with their parents did entail limited independence and somewhat less responsibility. Sandy said:
«Even though I’m 23, I guess a lot of people my age are out of the house, and I still live at my parents’ house. I probably don’t feel as independent as they are.»
James commented that adulthood meant being more mature, «but I still live with my parents, so I guess I don’t have as many additional responsibilities.» Barbara said:
«I guess living at home doesn’t give me the complete independence that comes with being an adult.»
I could say that sometimes my parents treat me like an adult when they talk about certain things… But I feel like if I were really an adult, I wouldn’t be at home.
Loss of Spontaneity and Good Times
A small minority viewed adulthood negatively because it meant getting older. Adults were also seen as people who no longer had the capacity to be spontaneous and carefree. Some comments included:
«If I admitted to being an adult, I would also have to say that I’ve reached a point in my development where I’m going to be static for the rest of my life, and I’m not ready to do that yet.»
Louis, a confident young man who successfully runs his own small business, said:
«Generally, I try to stay young as long as possible. The day I get older and have to be responsible, I think I’ll give it away. I’ll try to hold on to my youth as long as possible… Adulthood is scary, in a way. Everyone is afraid of responsibility, and if they say no, they blind themselves.
Christine said,
«I would hate to consider myself a real adult, or what an adult is supposed to be. If all the fun and some of my childish side were gone, I think I would be a very boring person. It means taking responsibility. You’re talking to someone who hasn’t had to face any of these big decisions.»
However, this perspective didn’t mean avoiding responsibility. The same young woman said, «Adulthood means taking charge of your own destiny, which I think I’ve done for quite some time, to some extent, of course.»
And then there was Julie, who commented that being an adult means being «stiff and serious, and that’s not who I am»; she ran a small business, was married, and had two children to support.
Uncertainty About Adulthood
A small number of young adults (less than 10% of the group) said they were unsure of what being an adult meant, or that they didn’t really feel like adults yet, or that they were reluctant to embrace some aspects of adulthood.
This group included some who carried many of the responsibilities normally associated with adulthood and others who did not.
Meredith left school and home at 16 and was forced to leave home early because she didn’t get along with either of her (separated) parents. When interviewed, she was married, had a full-time job, and considered herself a secure and competent person. However, she said, regarding adulthood:
«I don’t know (what it means). I’m not there yet, I have no idea.»
I don’t think there’s such a thing as «adult.» I think people just get older.
I don’t think you change that much; you don’t wake up one day and think, «It’s over, I’m an adult.» But I don’t know anyone, at any age, who would say they’re more of an adult than I am.
A small number of young adults seemed to have doubts about their adulthood or their acceptance of responsibilities due to physical illnesses or emotional problems.
León had sought help for his emotional problems for years and was struggling to cope with some aspects of his life. He said,
«Logically, yes, I’m an adult, but I don’t really consider myself one. I don’t have the characteristics of the person I saw as an adult at 16, the characteristics an adult should have. I’m not yet ready to accept the responsibilities of being an adult.»
Alison, who had suffered several episodes of severe depression since her teens, said:
«I still don’t feel like an adult, not completely. Obviously, others see me as an adult, but I don’t. There must be something I’ve missed. I feel about 19.»
Conclusion
Social and psychological aspects of adulthood emerged in these young adults’ responses. Societal expectations about appropriate adult behavior were acknowledged (and some resisted or reluctantly accepted them).
Status changes, such as moving house, having a partner, and having a child, were seen as important; however, although some thought that not having gone through these transitions made them less of an adult, they were not crucial to the meaning of adulthood.
When defining adulthood, only a minority of 23-year-olds mentioned aspects of psychological development, such as maturing, coping with challenges, and finding one’s place in the world.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t recognized, but rather that some young people find it easier than others to identify and talk about these aspects of adulthood.
For the 23-year-olds in the study, the most evident aspects of adulthood were responsibility, independence, and freedom.
While adulthood was generally perceived positively, financial responsibility was often perceived as pressure. Respondents acknowledged both the advantages and disadvantages of taking charge of their lives, and some were reluctant to give up the best aspects of childhood and adolescence.
How to Be a Responsible Adult
The following contribution is from Andrea Liebross’s coaching portal, which defines itself as a results-oriented business coach and life integration architect. I help founders and CEOs grow their businesses with strategic thinking, clarity, and confidence so they can thrive in both business and life.
It’s time to take responsibility for your successes and failures and accept that there’s no one else to blame or blame, except yourself.
The truth is, assuming you’re an adult, you are responsible for how you feel at all times. We are responsible for how we think.
And therefore, since we know our thoughts trigger our feelings, we are responsible for how we feel. Ultimately, how we think and feel leads to an outcome.
So, if you’re not seeing what you want in your life and business, you need to change your mindset so you can take responsibility and become a responsible adult.
Enter Emotional Adulthood
When we function as emotional children, we blame others for how we feel, how we act, and the results we achieve in our lives.
I always talk about tennis, as I’ve seen my son play many matches. Sometimes he would say his opponent was making bad decisions. «That’s why I lost.»
Or «He was behaving strangely, doing things, walking slowly, or looking at the ball strangely. And that’s why I lost.»
No, the reason you’re feeling bad right now, the reason you lost, is because you didn’t win enough points.
It’s not the opponent’s fault. It’s not your opponent’s responsibility. It’s yours. No one is holding our hand or leading us from this emotional childhood to emotional adulthood.
Our brains don’t fully develop until we’re in our twenties. But when you’re an adult, you have the brain function and the processes to understand what you’re thinking.
As children, we don’t have this capacity. In fact, we think everything in our lives happens because of other things.
We believe that other things, the world in general, cause our feelings. And this is actually perpetuated by how most of us were raised.
It’s Not a Bad Thing to Apologize
We’re forced to apologize. I’m not saying it’s bad—apologizing isn’t—but when we apologize, we take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, and ultimately, it’s quite disempowering.
However, this emotional childhood is so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re teaching each other that others are responsible for how we feel.
It’s the most disempowering thing we can do, not just for our children, but especially for ourselves as adults.
So take my hand and let’s learn together how to become responsible adults.
Mindset Shifts to Leverage Your Life and Business Results
Emotional adulthood is when we decide to take full responsibility for everything we feel, regardless of what others do or don’t do. If you’re ready to take responsibility for your own successes and failures…
#1 Observe Your Actions
Write down some examples of where you behave like an emotional child, where you blame others in your life, and where you don’t take responsibility. Where do you feel entitled to something you haven’t earned? It’s when you don’t take responsibility for your actions and think they should just happen and that you’re entitled to them.
Being an adult requires more effort and much more responsibility (and you’ll have to grow up!). But it’s worth it. It’s worth taking that step to manage our own lives mentally and not depend on others. In the end, we get the results we want.
#2 Stop Blaming Others
When we feel a way we don’t want to feel, too often we blame a situation, person, or circumstance for our problems, actions, and outcomes.
It’s blame versus responsibility. Children don’t have the ability to distinguish. And there are actually many emotional children who function as adults. The problem is that the most disempowering thing we can do is stay in a state of emotional childhood and guilt.
When you recognize when you blame and take responsibility, you become more mature and a responsible adult.
#3 Stop Complaining
Emotional childhood involves wanting others to take care of our needs. We want others to solve things for us, to do things for us. And if we don’t get what we want, our reaction is to throw a fit or a tantrum.
Emotional childhood involves making someone else responsible for our needs, recognizing or believing that we can’t or don’t have the capacity to take care of ourselves.
When we are emotional adults, we take care of our own needs. We take responsibility for managing them. We do things for ourselves and solve them for ourselves. And if we don’t get what we want, we let it go or do something to change it.
#4 Take Charge
It’s fascinating to see people, especially women, take emotional childhood to the extreme and want others to take responsibility for us and take care of us financially.
Some women completely relinquish responsibility, not only for their feelings, but also for their finances and their lives. And they let someone else take care of those things in a way that doesn’t make them feel good. They don’t even like how it feels to have someone else take care of them or pay for everything.
When you feel disempowered, when you feel like you have no control over your emotional life, you give that responsibility to someone else. When we get to the point of expecting to control our own minds, we will control our own feelings.
#5 Be Responsible
Ask yourself: Do you want to spend your time and energy trying to be happy because you’re trying to manage your own emotional life? I hope you answered yes. Delegating that responsibility, even to someone you love, can affect that relationship in a very profound and painful way. The best relationships are when two people come together and say, «I’ll meet my needs, you meet yours, and then we can just be together and have fun.»
When you reach emotional adulthood, you take responsibility for how you feel and decide how you behave. You feel much more empowered and able to be the person you want to be, instead of being in that predetermined, childish emotional state.
In short:
Did you want to know how to be a responsible adult? The bottom line is that it takes effort, but the rewards are high! Emotional adulthood says, «I am responsible for my happiness, I am also responsible for my unhappiness, and I am responsible if my feelings are hurt. I am responsible for my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, and ultimately, my results.»
Sometimes people ask, «If you are only responsible for how you feel, doesn’t that mean you are abdicating or eliminating responsibility for how you treat others? Does that mean you can do whatever you want without worrying about other people’s feelings?»
No. When you act from an emotionally mature perspective, you act at your best. You act at your best. You don’t act cruelly toward others. You don’t act cruelly because you are trying to get them to behave in a way that makes you feel better. You are not trying to manipulate their behavior.
This doesn’t mean you won’t take actions you sometimes regret, or that upon reflection, you realize maybe it wasn’t the best decision. It doesn’t mean you won’t apologize. It doesn’t mean you won’t take responsibility for how you treat another person.
Even if you’re not responsible for how they feel, you are responsible for how you behave, the words you say, or what you write in your email. This is very important to understand. It’s critical when you’re learning the mindset shifts to become a responsible adult.
By taking control of your mind, you create your feelings, which in turn drive your actions and determine your outcomes; you create change.
Need help with emotional maturity and taking responsibility? My colleague, Sharlee Lyons, is a success coach for young adults and those who empower them, and she can help! www.sharleelyons.com
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Who is the best business and life coach in Indiana? – AndreaLiebross.com
I’m Andrea Liebross.
I’m the big-picture thinking expert for high-performing female entrepreneurs. I help these bold, ambitious women go from thinking small and feeling overwhelmed in business and life to gaining the clarity, confidence, and freedom they crave. I believe the key to thinking big and achieving big results (which you deserve and are capable of) is comprised of just two ingredients: solid systems and the right (bigness) mindset. I am the author of the best-selling book «She Thinks Big: A Female Entrepreneur’s Guide to Overcoming the Clutter of the Middle and Entering the Extraordinary» and host of the podcast «She Thinks Big.»